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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23383816">Spiders</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lelevex/pseuds/lelevex'>lelevex</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Banana Fish (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression is a bitch :(, Domestic AshEiji, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eiji feels sad but Ash is there to help him, Eiji is a sad ball of fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Spiders, strange metaphors but keep with me i swear it’s worth it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:02:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,500</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23383816</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lelevex/pseuds/lelevex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which spiders are listening and Eiji breaks</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>163</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Spiders</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>trigger warning : implies depressions and eating disorders</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Boyfriends, he thinks, and the word rolls off his tongue like cotton candy. He snaps a photo of the skyline as the sun rises before him sitting alone on the sofa, Ash will be up in a minute he thinks, if his schedule demanded it of him. </p><p>Boyfriends, he thinks, and he can't decide wether the word suits them or not.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It's raining when he thinks that it doesn't. The word feels ephemeral, fleeting, as if any second from now someone could take him away and claim him as theirs. Boyfriends fits just as well as strangers did. After all, boyfriends tell each other things and strangers share nothing. Although sometimes he thinks it fits too well, and the spiders agree with him.</p><p>Eiji muses over in thought and decided that soulmates might be better, and knowing Ash as a quiet romantic he thinks that he would agree as well. Maybe he will tell Ash, one day, but there's an unspoken lingering in the air that's calling out to them. Conversations start and end with a smile and a nod.</p><p>The lingering stays for a while. Words unspoken hang around the air like spiders lurking behind wardrobe doors and Eiji is known to dislike spiders. He feels left out, babied by his own boyfriend. His own <i>soulmate</i> and it makes him upset. The next time Ash is out Eiji skips a meal, worrying is a hard job and eating is a distraction.</p><p>He thinks of snow falling slowly, building up over time as he buys less ingredients than normal. Enough for one person he thinks.</p><p> </p><p>If Eiji was good at anything, it was pretending. He was used to eating less, pole vaulting had taught him important lessons on dieting and eating just enough to stay healthy. To stay alive. It was easier when Ash wasn't home, he thinks, it's easier to say no to food, to pretend as though he'd eaten and already washed him dishes and put them away. In that sense, Eiji had always been a good liar.</p><p>—<br/><i>"You okay? You looked tired with the boys earlier," Ash said, joining Eiji in their shared room.</i></p><p>
  <i>"No, I'm fine," he replied. Ash had a tough day, and Eiji's main concern was making sure that he was fine. He smiled at Ash, "how about you?" he said, concern was something he didn't have to fake.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>An unspoken conversation lingered in the air as Ash looked down at Eiji, confused and worried, but he didn't say anything. He knew the other boy was lying to him, but emotional stress and adrenaline seeped away at all his energy. A brand new spider joined the growing cluster behind the wardrobe. Another conversation saved for another time.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Want some water?" Ash asked and Eiji just nodded in a reply. His head was aching and he was scared he was about to spiral.</i>
</p><p><i>Ash wordlessly handed him the water, gently holding him as they sat side by side on the edge of the bed. It was calming, and Eiji managed to keep his thoughts at bay that night. </i><br/>—</p><p>It is the spiders that give him away. A little stumble in front of Ash that he blames on his injury acting up is all it takes for a spider to spill from behind closed doors about Eiji's antics. The unspoken conversations suddenly become vocal and it's too much all at once because he feels like people are shouting and he's heard of enough shouting in his lifetime to deal with it from Ash.</p><p>It is raining when he walks out of the apartment.</p><p> </p><p>He finds himself at Chang Dai, stumbling into Sing on the Chinatown streets. Sing talks but Eiji stays silent. He is like a ghost, drifting quietly through the streets. </p><p>Chang Dai is quiet and Nadia hadn't noticed him come in yet. Sing peels himself away from Eiji enough so that the older boy can find himself a place to breathe before he dies of suffocation. It takes him a second. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.</p><p>Sing comes to his table and asks if he wants to eat something. Nadia waves from the counter. Eiji says he's full.</p><p>With tired eyes and an empty stomach, Eiji returns to the apartment past midnight. He knows that Ash should be out, and wonders if he got take out for dinner since he can't cook for shit. Somehow, the thought of food makes Eiji feel sick and he saunters over to the toilet bowl and heaves. Nothing comes out. </p><p>At some point, he stumbles into his bed and he can feel the gaze of Ash on him when he returns from whatever he was doing. Ash doesn't say anything but the spiders in the wardrobe whisper to themselves. An unspoken lingering hangs in the air.</p><p>"What's wrong?" they ask.</p><p>"Nothing," he says.</p><p>But they all know he's lying.</p><p> </p><p>Ash sits next to him one day. It's raining again and the sound drowns out the hunger gnawing at Eiji's stomach. </p><p>"Hey," Ash says, "when was the last time you ate?"</p><p>Eiji pulled the blanket over his head, back facing Ash. He mumbles "two days," quietly, muffled by the blanket.</p><p>"How're you feeling?" Ash asked, a hand coming up to run up and down Eiji's side. Slowly. Comforting.</p><p>"Tired," he hesitates and Ash's hand stops for a second. "Sad," he continues.</p><p>"Do you want to eat something?" </p><p>Eiji shakes his head.</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>Eiji breathes and Ash leaves him alone after tucking Eiji's hair behind his ears. It was really getting too long.</p><p>—<br/><i>One evening, one that had snow fluttering down outside and snowballing into layers upon layers of cold fluff on the ground, Ash commented on the length of Eiji's hair.</i></p><p>
  <i>"It's long," Ash mumbled. He raked a hand through Eiji's growing hair, the two of them were crouched on the bathroom floor after Eiji had started spiralling again.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"You want to cut it?" Eiji asked with a quiet voice, his hand came to rest on Ash's knee and he looked up at Ash with glassy eyes.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"You sure?" Ash cocked his head to one side, "I've never cut hair before,"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Then I'll be your first," Eiji smiled and Ash thought that this was the first time he's gotten Eiji to smile so quickly after a spiral.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Where are the scissors then?" Ash mumbled, getting up slowly.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The spiders in the bathroom hummed in agreement and Eiji thought he made eye contact with one. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Found them," Ash said as he returned and Eiji gave him permission to cut.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He shakes his head and laughs quietly to himself afterwards, eyeing his new cut in the mirror. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Impressed?" Ash mused, laughing as Eiji looks at himself in the mirror.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Yeah," Eiji laughed back, leaning into his boyfriend with a smile. "I love you," he said quieter.</i>
</p><p><i>"I love you too darling," </i><br/>—</p><p>Sing begins to worry after a while. He had texted Eiji and the boy replied with all the pep and cheer as usual but something feels off. Only a few days ago at Chang Dai, everything felt fine.</p><p>One day, Sing appears at the apartment. He knocks on the door hesitantly, and his worry grows as the door swings open at the second knock.</p><p>"Eiji?" Sing asks, creeping into the apartment quietly. There's no answer. He  walks further into the apartment, seeing that the bedroom door is slightly ajar and the lights are turned off. The bold silhouettes of Ash and Eiji are there, seemingly off in there own world that they didn't even notice him there. He creeps behind the door, dusting away the spider hanging behind it and listens. </p><p>"I'm spiralling," Eiji says, and his voice is as soft as cotton candy. </p><p>"We can start slowly," Ash kneels down in front of Eiji and the spiders behind the door whisper in excitement. "I need you to breathe for me. Inhale. Exhale. C'mon and take my hand. Squeeze together. One, two, squeeze."</p><p>Eiji follows Ash's instructions slowly and a muffled whine tell Sing that Eiji is crying and he walks out of the apartment as quietly as he walked in.</p><p> </p><p>The spiders in the apartment cling onto conversations like hydrogen to oxygen. They see when Eiji stares off in the distance for a moment too long, when he 'forgets' his first meal, and other small moments that snowball into an uncontrollable disaster. They see when Eiji starts to spiral and wonder if he will ever stop. </p><p>"I need you to breathe for me. Inhale. Exhale. C'mon and take my hand. Squeeze together. One, two, squeeze."</p><p>They hear voices coming from the bedroom and a small kid crouches beneath them, listening as the pair talk. The kid leaves soon after but the spiders stay as unspoken conversations linger in the air. Slowly, the cluster grows as conversations stay hidden behind closed doors.</p><p>A quiet "okay," can be heard from the bedroom and a small spider vanished from sight, as another conversation becomes spoken and words roll off tongues like cotton candy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the spiders are a metaphor they aren’t real i promise</p></blockquote></div></div>
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